TABLE OF CONTENTS, PRELUDE & INTRODUCTION ONLY

Intimate Relationships

by Jared Scherz, Ph.D.

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Table of Contents / Page Number

Prelude

Introduction

Chapter One: Restoring Emotional Closeness…………………… 5
Reconnect with your partner

Chapter Two: Building Effective Communication……………… 14
Be heard and understood

Chapter Three: Resolving Conflicts Productively………………… 29
Find resolution to disputes without hurting or withdrawing

Chapter Four: Reviving Romance and Physical Intimacy………. 41
Rekindle passion, excitement, and fun

Chapter Five: Balancing Power and Control…………………… 53
Equitable distribution of responsibility and decision making

Chapter Six: Preserving Your Identity………………………… 59
Separating the "I" from the "Us"

Chapter Seven: Identifying and Altering Unhealthy Patterns…… 67
Reduce stress and improve efficiency

Chapter Eight: Getting Your Needs Met…………………………. 74
Restore honor, respect, and appreciation

Chapter Nine: Working through Trauma……………………….. 83
Resolve unfinished work from the past

Chapter Ten: Making Time for Each Other……………………. 89
How to manage your life by reducing stress
Chapter Eleven: Cooperating as Parents…………………………… 96
Building a better partnership

Appendices:
" Answer Key - Exercise on Communication
" Nine Psychological Tasks for a Good Marriage
" About The Author
" Suggested Readings

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Prelude

There are hundreds, even thousands of books available on the topic of relationships, many of which lead to valuable insights or give helpful exercises aimed at reducing marital tension. Some books offer practical advice for resolving disputes, some offer new ways of conceptualizing problems, while still others lead people to gain greater understanding into their own and their partner's needs. This book attempts to do all of the above in a way that allows people to move through the process of problem recognition to solution finding in one sustained effort. The key to this book is recognizing that the way to improve your relationship is to first understand how it became the way it is.

This book has been organized into ten more common areas or issues that couples face throughout the course of their life together. Organizing relational discord into ten easily recognizable areas should not be confused with oversimplifying the task of attaining marital satisfaction. Each of the issues to be addressed in this book likely have underlying factors, and vary according to the uniqueness of each person and partnership. Since many of these concepts are interrelated you may find that themes will overlap. Also be mindful that each reader views the information within these pages from their own particular lens, lending different interpretations to the messages within. From whichever perspective you chose to explore your difficulties, consider there are always several other ways of understanding the issue(s) at hand (and your partner likely holds one). Instead of solely looking for the 'right answer' or to identify with the content of this book, attempt to stimulate yourself into newer perspectives and potential insights, which will expand your own focus.
There is no particular order to the chapters so choose the ones, which seem most fitting and read those first if you choose. But remember however that you may find valuable information in areas that you may not have expected. And, you may be helped by information in other areas that address your specific circumstance. Ideally, this book will be used in conjunction with the couples or individual therapy you are doing on your own.

The idea of going to a therapist for some is a very difficult decision. People experience shame and guilt that they are not "able to work out problems themselves" or that they "have to talk with a stranger about very personal matters". Often times, one partner takes the lead in asking for help, but does not have the support of his or her spouse/ partner. A common mistake made by a person is telling their partner they "need help". Nobody wants to feel as though they need help and that they can not do it on their own. Often times the idea of working with a therapist becomes yet another conflict within the relationship. Share your insights about yourself and be a role model for growth. We want to be careful with expecting or insisting that our partner make changes, as this often times may strengthen their resistance. We must be the change we wish to see.

Introduction

Just as relationships conjure feelings of excitement, passion, safety and support, so too can they bring about feelings of frustration, resentment, loneliness, and despair. The one feeling that is most vital to the survival of your relationship is hope. Even a flicker of hope can give you the strength and courage needed to restore the love within your partnership. If you don't feel hopeful now, read this book with the idea that the potential for greater intimacy is there, if your will to work is there.
While not every relationship contains the love and commitment needed to make it work, there are too many who give up prematurely. An alarmingly high percentage of people decide to end their relationships, suggesting that many believe the work is too difficult or not attainable. Just as many however, attempt to reinvest the energy into making their relationships work- and yes relationships are always a good deal of work. If relationships were easy they wouldn't be so rewarding. It's safe to say that our busy lives give way to relational complacency so the shared work needed to sustain our passion is not always sufficiently present.

Throughout your reading, you may begin to feel less isolated in your marital difficulties, realizing that many of the problems you are experiencing are shared by millions of other couples. You may find comfort in knowing that your difficulties are not only common but expected throughout the course of a marriage. Even those problems seeming severe and irreconcilable, once understood and worked upon, will help lead to a renewed sense of closeness. In fact, working through these problems often times serves to stimulate and energize your relationship beyond your expectations.

The greatest success stories in professional athletics are those who have overcome some obstacle to succeed. Olympian gymnast Keri Strugg gained a bronze medal in 1998 despite a badly injured foot; The New York Mets were victorious in the 1969 World Series even though they were picked by many to fall short of even making the playoffs. Overcoming enormous obstacles through determination and perseverance will inevitably lead to tremendous fulfillment.

So too in your marriage, do you strive to find happiness beyond satisfaction. To feel truly inspired means you will have to take risks and refuse to allow obstacles to diminish your enthusiasm. If you have a sense of what you want to achieve but are uncertain how to get there, try re-dedicating yourself to the process of rediscovery, knowing that pitfalls and obstacles will at times, set you back. Knowing and predicting these times in advance will allow you to strengthen your resolve.

If you are uncertain of your ultimate goal, reading this book will hopefully help you develop a greater sense of who you are and who you want to be. You will learn to better understand your needs and how to get them met. Through this journey you will learn to look inward, instead of working to change your partner. You will reinvest your energy toward graining fulfillment from within, rather than searching for it on the outside. Once you learn to become centered you will become a model for your partner and increase your potential for relational intimacy.

Some may wonder how a book will help you achieve goals that you have felt unsuccessful working on independently. The answer is simple in that you will begin to identify patterns of behavior, which may be fairly similar. Take the couple for instance of a husband who continually hints to his wife that he is interested in being sexually intimate. He ultimately becomes frustrated at being constantly rebuffed by his wife, not understanding why she has become so distant. He ultimately says to his therapist, "I have tried everything but nothing gets through to her".

What this husband didn't realize is that his attempts while varied were all leading him back to the same place in their stagnated pattern. His discomfort with addressing her frigidity verbally inadvertently reinforced her feelings of mistrust.

Your behavior, you will soon find is often reinforcing a pattern, which has become ingrained in the relationship. The deeper you search within the dance between you and your partner, the more you may find that your steps are following the same floor plan.

If you find yourself making more effort than your spouse, then you will want to find a better balance of responsibility. Pursuing a partner who continues to distance themselves can be an exhausting and discouraging process. While no two people put in the exact same amount of effort at the same time, a seesaw of roles is helpful. One partner making most of the effort means that the other partner is disengaging themselves for a multitude of reasons. In order to restore the balance, there will be an agreement on the part of the couple that a gradual readjustment is needed.

Romantic relationships come in many different shapes and sizes, many of which this book will address in some detail. If you don't find precisely the dynamic or issue you are struggling with, consider how the information within may relate in a way that you are not currently aware of. Know that every relationship, no matter the ethnic, religious, or sexual orientation, struggle at times with matters of intimacy and the chapter outlined touch upon many of the causes for this reality.

Each chapter begins by describing typical problem areas within relationships. These areas although common to relationships, are by no means simple in nature. In fact they are complex issues with many layers in need of exploration. Each chapter will help to encourage insight into these common trouble areas, so you may better understand your role and your partner's role in creating this issue.

Each chapter will also guide you through problem solving, based on these insights. Keep in mind that problem solving may not be quite what you expected when you began the chapter.

Throughout each chapter, case examples will be used to demonstrate the application of these principles to help guide you through the exercises. Success as you may define it, will have its greatest potential from an initial agreement by both partners to share the responsibility of reading the book and doing the exercise. Making time each evening to read this book to one another as a collaborative effort can be nurturing and fun. It will also prevent one partner from feeling resentful at his or her spouse putting in more or less effort.
When reading the chapters, first pay attention to your own reactions and then your partners. If you are reading the book to "fix" your spouse, you will continue to struggle with the same problems but be frustrated by the greater insight. Instead I suggest you role model the insight you develop by sharing the process of introspection this book may facilitate.
The colloquial terms "husband" and "wife" are used to represent the different role of the relationship, although partners may be inserted interchangeably to represent the less traditional couple relationships.

Enjoy the work because relational improvement is an ongoing process, not an end result.